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| Friday, June 13, 2008 |
| I love Friday the 13th |
Today I decided to initiate the power of me. I put in for another promotion at work, found living arrangements, and called that oh-so-delectable man of interest and invited him to do 'something'. The tornado that has been my life for the past week has finally lifted.
The problems are still there, but they are dwindling in size as I chip away at solutions. I discovered that I am okay being alone, and that I can function fully well unabated by the direction of a significant other. These are good points, because I havent always been so sure.
I have a plan. A good plan. I am going to stick with it. I make goals on a daily basis, and each time something is achieved, I give myself a little mental high five.
I spoke with John's son today. Apparently he hadn't heard that his father has left me. I offered him words of comfort, as he is going through a pretty trying season in his life as well. I told him that if there were anything I could do to ease his situation (beyond finances) that I would be glad to do so.
The long and short of it is, I finally feel a sense of freedom that I haven't before. I am able to look myself in the mirror and see a beautiful young woman, rather than a scared and shaking child. I attribute that to being able to accomplish that which I set out to do, support from my friends and family, and good old fashioned decisions.
Yay me! |
posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 3:12 PM  |
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| Saturday, June 07, 2008 |
| Dear John |
I go to the diner where we used to eat- sit in the booth completely alone, Ever had that?
People are all around- talking, clanging silverware against plates, banging the cash register door closed- it is a roar in my ears.
I tried to read the paper.
Let the words flood my brain-
trying to squelch the impeding silence.
I am so aware of my lonliness.
I wonder if I wear it on my face.
There's a blue levi jacket hanging on the coat rack.
I wonder if it is yours.
Then I imagine it is-
I pretend your in the bathroom or playing pool.
A man walks in, catches my eye.
I look away.
I am uncomfortable.
I remember you are gone & you aren't coming back...
it makes it impossible to breathe.
Suddenly the roar of people around me is too much.
Yet I know, at home, the silence would kill me.
I am a stranger in my own skin.
A visitor in this town.
I belong to no-one and no-one belongs to me.
I have been orphaned.. an ugly duckling left to my own devices.
I see you everywhere I go.
I hear you whisper my name, feel your breath tickle my ear.
I am rudely awakened every day.. by the emptiness of my bed.. the hole you left in my chest.
I want to believe your demons drove you to this.
I want to believe you abandoned me out of love, because you thought I would be better off.
The phone rings- I jump a mile- even if it isn't my own.
As I pray myself to sleep each night, I listen for your footfalls, listen for your heavy breathing, wait for your arms to wind around me.
It's a rude reality.
I know you want me to hate you for this.. I simply can't. |
| posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 3:58 PM |
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| Tuesday, June 03, 2008 |
| Strength |
My boyfriend left me today.
He isn't coming back.
We lived like an old married couple.
We shared toothbrushes.
We ate off each other's plates.
I slept curled around his muscular frame last night, knowing that it was the last time.
He didn't tell me.
He didn't have to.
I have felt it coming.
I brought him coffee in the morning.
I showered alone, staying in the bathroom as long as I could.
I heard him in the backyard telling his nephew that I was shit.
The assessment of my lesser qualities hurt me deeply.
I listened for as long as I could take it.
Then I put my purse on my shoulder and went to say goodbye.
He asked if I was going to work.
I smiled a little and said I had to.
He went to my car to get his paperwork out of the dash.
I followed a bit slowly, taking it all in.
The sun was shining through the leaves on the aspen tree.
They were so green.
They rustled in the breeze.
I saw an empty carton of beer jutting out of the trashbin.
I meandered to the car, where he had just stood up.
His hair flowed down his back, stubble on a determined, angry face.
He held me fiercly, saying he loved me, that I was a good good woman.
He kissed my face then walked away.
My voice had caught in my throat, my insides trembling like a plate of jello on top of a powerful speaker.
I received the call mid afternoon.
His nephew saying that he'd helped him pack his belongings.
Said he left him at the gas station, told him not to watch which direction he went.
Then he was gone.
He didn't say goodbye to my sons.
I guess, in a way, he did say goodbye to me.
He left me a mess.
He left me.
He's gone.
I'm glad. |
| posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 4:16 PM |
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