I'm sure everyone else experiences this too. It isn't JUST the rich foods, the tasty desserts, the overload of holiday delight, I'm sure of it. It is the pressure. I love the holidays. I love the ambiance that this time of year brings. But, I hate HATE the commercial pressure.

I'm almost positive that my sons would understand, and be okay with Christmas not being over the top, or just getting one or two things... however, I know that they would secretly hope that isn't the case. Heartburn.

I have the expense of fixing my car, paying my rent, the car payment, the insurance, the utilities, doctors, food, gas, student loans, and three little men that are growing out of their clothes faster than I am capable of replacing them .. heartburn. Now, I have to figure in purchasing Christmas gifts. I am gainfully unemployed. Well, sort of. I am on the payroll of two different independent contracted companies (meaning little miss pays her own taxes), chiropractor and physical therapy. I have heard nothing from the chiropractor this week, and do not start at the physical therapy office until Friday. If you earn over 30% of your unemployment insurance you are denied. There goes the money for this week... because I did work 8 hours last week. *sigh*

Perhaps I am not cut out for this Adult life. Heartburn.

I don't mean to whine. I really have nothing to whine about. My neighbor just below me lost her son three weeks ago. He had Downs Syndrome and went for a valve replacement for his heart. She brought him home, had him here for three days, and ended up taking him to Primary Children's hospital. He passed away from a blood clot. He was 13. I hear her crying on her balcony often. I found myself sitting on her couch at midnight last night, watching home video's of her son. She said she had been doing pretty well, until she went shopping for Christmas. I didn't know what to say. I just brought her head to my shoulder and held her hands and felt horribly guilty for selfishly and secretly being grateful that my sons were alive.

Things seem really hard and really oppressive all over. I know this isn't the happiest post in the world. It is, however, from my heart. Jedidiah had a little best friend that lived nearby. She came over one day to tell him goodbye. She said she and her sisters, baby brother and mother were going to live in their car, they had been evicted. Her momma lost her job. There were six of them. When I spoke to her mother, she said that they were going to live with her boyfriend's mother, but the stipulation was that they had to be gone most of the time. She said they were packed into two very small rooms, but she was happy she wouldn't have to live in her car. I am grateful that somehow, we were blessed with the resources we needed to get by these last few months. I am grateful to know that even if we hadn't been, we would have somewhere to go.

I am sorry I seem melancholy. I am missing my family. It's strange, all those years I didn't see anyone, there were miles and miles of land, stone, water and an entire country to blame. Living in Alaska was really hard. Really lonely. But sometimes I feel more lonely here. I know it works both ways. I guess my excuse now is transportation. The bus only goes so far, and it doesn't go as far south as those southern folks. The northern folks, yes.. but only during certain times of the day, on certain days. Its really hard adjusting yourself to public transportation...

Tomorrow I am interviewing for another position as a chiropractic assistant. I am going to ride the bus from one end of the valley to the other checking on my resumes. I will have my morning ritual of coffee and meditation, and it will be a bright new day. I will take a tablespoon of Pepto and deal with my December heartburn. It was not my intention to bring anyone down. I think maybe having too much time on my hands makes me concentrate on the difficulty of life.