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| Saturday, February 16, 2008 |
| Going for a Walk. |
Walking along
concrete is a vast gray sky under my feet
occasionally met with puffy white snow.
My shoes squeak as flakes are kicked from their toes
I could go on like this forever.
Music blasting my ears,
shaking the grey matter in my skull.
Making my own pace
I wander wherever I want to go.
No concept of time,
no worries, mind comfortably blank.
I realise I'm tired. Not physically, but mentally.. exhausted.
There is one other time I feel blissful like this, when I am sleeping.
People suggest prozac. Interesting that mood altering drugs are so frowned upon
by my culture, until a doctor prescribes them.
I thank you no. I have experimented with drugs, I don't need someone with an education to tell me their benefits and pitfalls.
I am a two time divorcee with three kids and a relationship with an alcoholic, who I love very much, but know I can't fix.
I am not educated, do not have many skills to speak of, and make nine dollars an hour working for a company I hate.
My first ex-husband is a deadbeat dad that only occasionally pays his child support, so it can not be relied upon.
I am just tired.
The sun spills orange, red, gold across the horizon.
Mountains are a formidable contrast to such beauty.
I stop. I am breathless. Shaken.
Its good to feel again. |
posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 11:44 AM  |
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| Tuesday, February 12, 2008 |
| Why I may never marry again |
Just recently, I was divorced for the second time. It was seemingly painless at first, as there wasn't a really strong foundation in the marriage, and there were a lot of problems associated with the relationship.
The only thing that really hurt was the loss of my stepchildren. The man I was married to spent a lot of time telling me how terrible I was, saying things like, 'I would never father a child with you.' or 'Is it too much for a man to expect his wife to be smaller than he is?' He criticized me for every move I made. I couldn't clean well enough, discipline my kids correctly, my personal hygeine was questionable, not to mention that I was fat, ugly, and very lucky that he would consider taking me under his wing.
I cheated.
Not once, but twice.
I refused to take over payments for a vehicle he decided to purchase, even though we couldn't afford it. That, to him, is STICKING him with a car he didn't want, because he was buying it .. for me. HA. That's why it sits in his drive way, has his name on the title, and was not drive-worthy for me when he was angry with me.
I also refuse to pay for the wedding ring he gave me.. and refuse to give it back. He feels I have no right to believe it to be a gift.. because of its financial magnitude and stress it put on his pocketbook.
Recently, he sent me an email saying that he was going to tell his daughter, the one I bonded with most closely, the gory details of my trespasses. Something I would never do, and cannot fathom, as it seems manipulative, deceitful, and does nothing to enhance the quality of being this child might grow to be. Granted, I should never have cheated on him, even though we were separated, having two addresses.. and barely speaking to one another. However, I don't feel this man, who has done similar things should be throwing stones.
It dis-heartens me. I love those children, and to think that they are going to go through their lives believing me to be a harlot and liar tears me apart. The stand by comfort I keep hearing from others that love me and are true to me is 'I have seen you weather much more serious problems, Kat, You are the strongest woman I know because of that.. this too shall pass, wait and see'.
I almost feel like his slimy desire is to pressure me into giving back a ring that symbolizes nothing but pain for me, in trade for a relationship with his children. This is not the first of his ploys. He started out by trying to convince me to move back in with him. Then he wanted to date. Then he said he got an attorney. Then he wanted to take me to small claims court. Now this.
I have information that I could blackmail him with.. but, that isn't really my style. I don't really wish bad things for the guy. I just don't care for him at all.. he has shown me his colors, they are not attractive to me. I wish I could just continue my friendship hewn with his children, and not have anything to do with him. It doesn't look like that's likely. I guess when a web tangled is weaved, the best you can do is just cut yourself completely out.. |
| posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 12:17 PM |
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