| Tuesday, January 05, 2010 |
|
So, today is day three nicotine free. I had a half of a thirty two ounce Pepsi on Sunday, and have been able to keep to the guidelines I made for myself. I'm careful about eating, and portion.. which is incredibly hard to do when you quit smoking. Everything smells so good. Everything. I can smell a fresh cut apple from a mile away, no joke. Taste too! Everything, everything everything I eat tastes like its magnified. The citrus is bright and cheery, the spice extra spicy, the meat extra meaty. Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel like a brand new person, learning all over again.
I incorporated a new mouth care routine to my quit smoking campaign. Its obsessive, and a little neurotic, but it works for me. I think because I spend five ten minutes caring for my teeth, gums, tongue .. whatnot, and my mouth is so minty clean, the last thing I want is to dump an ashtray into it. I pre-rinse with a whitening solution, rinse with water, floss, rinse with water, brush, rinse with water, rinse with listerine, rinse with water. It literally takes five ten minutes. Also, I carry around those little pseudo toothbrush things... whisps, that look like tiny plastic toothbrushes and have a little dot of pepperminty gel in them... I chew and chew on that until its right mutilated. Because I am trying to be healthy, tone my body, and watch my weight, I don't want to replace smoking with something edible. So, Whisps it is... I also allow myself four pieces of licorice, and two or three mints a day. And I drink a TON of water.
Yesterday I drank two cups of coffee. That says a lot. I am the girl that will drink three pots a day. No caffeine headache.. that I could discern, but I had WICKED nicotine with drawls. I was really kind of rotten, and felt a little spun. Shaky, cranky, impulsive, jumpy and reactive. Like a volcano. I felt really horrible on and off all day, nauseated, then just mean. I felt like ripping some one's vocal chords from their throat, just because I could. There were a lot of compulsive behaviors. I find myself not really knowing what to do with my hands. So I clean. Whatever I come across.. whether it is clean or not. I made home made wheat bread yesterday afternoon... just beat the hell out of it, to release some of the nonsense aggression I felt.
It is amazing to me, how much time there is to accomplish things. You wouldn't think that would be a big factor.. but when you are stepping outside to smoke fifteen to twenty times a day for ten minutes at a time... your wasting nearly four hours a day. I find myself wanting to go to bed earlier, wanting to wake up earlier, then wondering why... uuuuh. I really can't wait for the obsessive part of this process to be over. I am overcome with thoughts of smoking and food. Ridiculous.
Okay, so yesterday... I also completed thirty minutes of cardiovascular exercise. .. . walked to the store and back, walked halfway home from work, and completed four massages.
Today, I am focusing on my arms. Bicep curls, tricep kick backs, and shoulder presses. I am going to get my manicure and pedicure Nick gave me for Christmas, need to pay the rent and car payments, maybe get some groceries, and ... who knows. My impulse is to fill every second of the day.. but I can't think of a thing to do. My workday is done already.. and now I am afraid I have all the time in the world to think about.. you guessed it, food and smoking. Pah! |
posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 9:49 AM  |
|
|
|
| Sunday, January 03, 2010 |
| A head full of nonsense |
There's nothing quite like waking up at five in the morning, on a Sunday, while your kids are gone for the evening, for no apparent reason. Waking up, completely, no lingering moment of tiredness, no full body stretch, no tingling of the brain. Asleep and dreaming. Awake and aware. The ceiling of my room hasn't changed a bit. My eyes open and swirling in the plaster and paint above me is a Mary Poppins-esq blob of chimney sweeps dancing around. Least, that's what I like to imagine they are.
Of coarse there are the obligatory morning rituals. Get up, go to the bathroom, brush teeth, put on robe, percolate coffee. These are usually sluggish chores. Today.. I don't know. I don't feel like there was an end to yesterday or beginning to today... but I'm not at all tired. In fact, I feel more awake this morning, than I have ... in a very long time.
The coffee did boil over, and all that is left in the cupboard for breakfast is a bag of Crispy Rice that has been opened from the middle. This makes me smile. There are bright red arrows in a large strip of yellow pointing to a perforated strip and it all but BEGS to be opened along that line. There's a resealable opening!, it practically shouts. Not in my house of little men. Nope. It was torn in a jagged forced line, halfway down the middle of the bag, deep into the guts of the bag. Who am I to complain? I half pour half dump (because lets face it, you can't pour any kind of cereal out of the middle of a bag with out some spillage) the contents of the thing into a large Tupperware. Aware that this tiny little act of motheriness is going to make life a tiny bit easier for the boys tomorrow. It is a small and satisfactory bit of hero-ess-ness.
I begin to feel a tiny bit nauseated. I eat some of the Crispy Rice. I take inventory of the fridge. It amazes me how much my little men can eat. That fridge is full one minute and bare bone dry the next. Let's see, half eaten green jello, expired whipped cream, a gallon and a half of milk (no doubt because the boys aren't here this morning), bottled asparagus, bottled jalapenos, two scoops of freshly made salsa, an egg, Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, ranch, mustard, a very small hunk of pepper jack cheese, coffee cream, muenster and swiss, five tomatoes, two limes, and a half chopped onion. I need to go shopping before the guys come home. Freezer? Ice cream and pie crust.. well, and a gel pack for clients (by clients, I mean me.. and Nick).
I sigh and resign myself to my Crispy Rice over computer time. I learn from MSN homepage that I can get spectacular dating tips from the top bartenders across the country. This makes me giggle. When I was in the band in Alaska, we catalogued the cheesy pick up lines we were given or overheard. I still wonder which band mate ended up with that book. Signing in to facebook, I discover many things. There's a lot one can learn about one's self if one appeals to the glory of facebook. Today, in the span of half an hour or so.. because I began writing this at around five thirty, I learned that today will be a good day for me astrologically, and in the sphere of love. I learned that several of my friends gave me hearts, which in turn made my heart beat faster. I learned one friend loved the movie she watched, another is discovering Netflix, another hates cheese, another is thankful for socks, someone enjoys real California sand in her shoes, someone else has a beautiful new hat from Christmas... oh, it goes on and on. I discover that I am going to be married, or standing at the altar in ten years. My personality is green today, meaning I am ready for an adventure.. that may be the coffee taking affect. And today God wants me to know that I can be loved if I let myself be. I love the pictures that my friends have posted of their holiday exploits, everyone looking so happy.
Sigh.
I think my intention was to wear myself out, kill time til Mr. Sandman made me dreamy again. Didn't work. Its unnaturally quiet in this apartment... there are no slamming doors, no neighbor movement... just quiet, except of coarse the clicking of my fingers on keys. I don't want to disturb the peace of it. The television will be too jutting, too intrusive on such a morning, and music doesn't suit, because it will change the mood. It's still dark outside, and cold cold cold, or I might entertain a walk. I crack my knuckles, roll my feet around on my ankles, breathe deep and sit up straight. I wish I had a good book. I wish I could call someone. I feel like socializing. No one is home.
Just me and my head full of nonsense. |
| posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 6:38 AM |
|
|
|
|
