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| Tuesday, June 08, 2010 |
| Something |
| I've spent the morning drinking coffee, making the bacon, listening to music online. I checked my email, the status of my friends all over the place, posted some comments, and so now bare with me. I am feeling creative, I want to share. Anything, something. I feel as though I don't want to bother the world with my blather. Because what do people do with their lives in the every day. They work. They bleed. They feel their momentary torturous monotony. I am bored. I don't have work today, but feel like reaching out. Reaching with all my might. But to whom? Do I feel like immersing myself in humanity? No. Do I feel like painting? No. Do I really want to be someone's burden for the day? No. I thought, perhaps I will shop. It's not appealing. So what do people do, when they have nothing else, and they want to be involved, but don't want to pull from a place no one else will really understand? Blog. Will anyone read it? Probably not. But, at least its out there. I should be productive. I should be cleaning out closets. Organizing something. I should be working. But, when there is no work to be had... what else is there? I could read a book, but I don't want to dunk myself in someone else's theology. I could watch a movie.. but again with the living in another's fantasy... I could go for a walk, but it is hot. I don't like the heat. Perhaps a swim, you say? Nah. The pool was clogged by errant children throwing rocks. Its noon. I am whining about boredom with plenty to do. When you crave something extraordinary, there has to be an outlet. Maybe not. I guess I will tackle a closet or two. Rid my house of excess crap. Useless shit that just sits like a reminder... stuff is just stuff. Can't take it with you when you die. Having not seen nor used it in a few years adds testiment to the fact that it belongs in a bin somewhere else. I am disappointed with this adult life. All through childhood, I yearned for more years. In my teen years, I wanted my twenties. In my twenties, I yearned for stability. In stability, I yearn for adventure. Is this human nature? To always want more and more and more? To want something different from what you have? Not just more material things, but wisdom.. experience.. something. Something. As a child, I had the extraordinary circumstance of eight brothers and sisters.. a disease that made all of the hair fall from my head. As a teen, I travelled across the nation, eating hot dogs boiled in stands on street corners. I moved to Alaska, had three children and played in a band. I have worn every imaginable color in the spectrum on my head. I have painted, drawn, sung, danced, served, and feel like I am standing still. Completely frozen in this time. Like life is sort of slipping by while I am held behind glass.. watching it take place. I am not close to my family. I have a handful of friends. I work on occasion, when the opportunity arrives. I am bored. Is it a lack of melodrama? Is it a lack of 'to do'? I want to fill my life with color. With beauty. With uncommon imagery. Something. |
posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 12:18 PM  |
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