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| Saturday, June 07, 2008 |
| Dear John |
I go to the diner where we used to eat- sit in the booth completely alone, Ever had that?
People are all around- talking, clanging silverware against plates, banging the cash register door closed- it is a roar in my ears.
I tried to read the paper.
Let the words flood my brain-
trying to squelch the impeding silence.
I am so aware of my lonliness.
I wonder if I wear it on my face.
There's a blue levi jacket hanging on the coat rack.
I wonder if it is yours.
Then I imagine it is-
I pretend your in the bathroom or playing pool.
A man walks in, catches my eye.
I look away.
I am uncomfortable.
I remember you are gone & you aren't coming back...
it makes it impossible to breathe.
Suddenly the roar of people around me is too much.
Yet I know, at home, the silence would kill me.
I am a stranger in my own skin.
A visitor in this town.
I belong to no-one and no-one belongs to me.
I have been orphaned.. an ugly duckling left to my own devices.
I see you everywhere I go.
I hear you whisper my name, feel your breath tickle my ear.
I am rudely awakened every day.. by the emptiness of my bed.. the hole you left in my chest.
I want to believe your demons drove you to this.
I want to believe you abandoned me out of love, because you thought I would be better off.
The phone rings- I jump a mile- even if it isn't my own.
As I pray myself to sleep each night, I listen for your footfalls, listen for your heavy breathing, wait for your arms to wind around me.
It's a rude reality.
I know you want me to hate you for this.. I simply can't. |
posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 3:58 PM  |
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