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| Wednesday, April 11, 2007 |
| Non-conforming Bastard |
Okay, never have I admitted, nor am I now admitting my ability to conform to mainstream social standard. However, when it comes to that which is legal, I am kind of a stickler. I grew up in a very conservative atmosphere, where all things republican reigned, sleeved shirts were a must, shorts had to be no shorter than an inch above the knee, ink belonged on paper, and needles only pierced the skin when there was a medical need. You paid attention to your parents rules, attended church functions, and always did your homework on time. Or you would pay the consequence of delinquent behavior. Which, in my case never really happened until I was already of legal age. My mother frequently touts that fact, citing great changes beginning with my coming of age. She still believes I am the alien replica of my former, more congenial self. It's okay, ma, I know you love me any way that I am, and you have learned to accept my strangely erratic behavior, just keep telling yourself that something came to me on the eve of my eighteenth and laid eggs in my brain.
Now that THAT has been established...
I am really not very conservative in this day and age. I have pierced my flesh in various places, and tattoos decorate my freckled skin. I am not a frequent church goer, I do not vote republican. I often wear clothing that is suggestive, however never in the presence of my parents. I have the mouth of a sailor, but would never swear, hurt or disrespect someone that is my elder. I have strange ideas about cosmic design, sure, but don't we all? I am just more willing, I think to stand up and say my innermost thoughts out loud when pressed for detail.
But...
Give me a parking ticket and it will be paid in a week. Let it be ruled in a court of law that I MUST keep insurance for my children, and I will accept a job at Burger King if they have benefits. If I hit your car in traffic, or in the parking lot, I will stand there and wait for your arrival so we can talk about how I'm going to pay for the damages. If someone at the store drops a hundred dollar bill on the floor and mindlessly walks away from it, I will undoubtedly scoop it up and chase them out the door to return it.. and would so even if its a penny.
Three years ago a judge ruled that my children were going to be in my sole custody, legally and physically. That the only time they were to see their father would be under supervised visitation, and even then at my discretion. He ruled that the Ex was to keep insurance for them, pay half their medical bills, and pay monthly child support. He ruled that said Ex was going to have to attend anger management, drug rehabilitation, and have a clean bill of health from a psychologist in order to amend the visitation and custody rulings.
The ex continued to do drugs for three years. He didn't pay his child support, running up a bill so astronomical its frightening. He didn't contact or attempt to see his children saying that we lived too far from one another. (I moved from Alaska to Utah to be closer to my family) He continued with his melodramatic ways that kept landing him in and out of jail.
So why is it that I am willing to let this delinquent ass walk all over me, you say? Out of the blue he begins paying little bits of his thousands of dollars debt. Little by little he begins calling. Bit by bit he starts asking for more and more conditional changes and acceptions to our divorce decree. He wants me to allow him to see the kids unsupervised. He wants them to be excused from school so he can visit them, and why shouldn't I be expected to comply, he hasn't seen them in three years....
This narcissistic asshole had the nerve to tell me that I was the great barrier to his having a relationship with his children. That I was the reason that their lives have been inflicted with pain and self doubt. That HE needed THEM in HIS life now more than ever. Can't I understand for one moment, can't I have compassion for one moment for what HE has been through for the past three years?!?
I can tell you what he HASN'T been through. He didn't go through the pains of toilet training three boys. He didn't nurse them when they were sick, chase the boogey man out of their closets when they were scared, work three and four jobs a day to ensure their stomachs were full. He didn't fret over where their next stitch of clothing would come from, or how much damage was being done because they didn't have a male role model. He didn't have to dry their tears when they were sobbing at the absence of their father. He has never spent more than one consecutive week with these amazing little men. He has never known the feeling of frustration you get when they don't listen to you, or the ball that swells in the back of your throat when they do something incredible. He missed their birthdays, holidays, first haircuts, lost teeth, boy scout meetings, camping trips, little outbursts of joy when some simple problem was miraculously and meticulously drawn out. He has never seen the look of determination that furrows the brow of his youngest son while he ties his shoes.. something that his father wasn't there to teach him. He has never heard the silly tunes that his middle son effortlessly hums while completing his math assignments.. And sadly, he wasn't there the first time his oldest son was awarded his first medal for scholastics.
Yet, I should be compassionate because for three years he was a drunken bum that couldn't or wouldn't pay his dues and ask for the right to help raise his kids, due to post traumatic stress.. according to him.
I'm not carrying on to be considered a sob story, I don't want people to see me as a saint or heroine, it is not my goal to seem holier than thou. . .
I just need to vent my frustration with a person that expects more than he is due. A little effort goes a long way. Sometimes conforming is the only way.. especially when dealing with an non-conforming Bastard |
posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 7:00 PM  |
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