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| Friday, December 07, 2007 |
| Random |
Lying in bed last night, words unwritten came floating to my mind. I was too tired and too sick to get up and put them on paper. I regret this. It happens to me often, when words come unbidden, and I am not wise enough to snatch their melodic verse from the colorful fuzz that is my brain.
I spent this morning sipping coffee and staring listlessly into the pouring rain. I cleaned out half the clothes from my closet to sell to a second hand store. I tore apart and remade my bed. I scrubbed paint off the white tiles of my kitchen table. I smoked and complained to my roommate, because that is what we do.
My energy is gone. I am attributing this to barometric pressure. My anti-social tendencies? Definately due to poor weather. My desire to sleep all day? Its the snow. Depression brought on by winter, darkness settles sooner, coldness uninviting.
I am not accustomed to having free reign over my own destiny, my own paradise. I read once about birds that had been raised in a cage, suddenly set free and not knowing how to make their wings fly, they wouldn't extend them fully.
Sometimes that's how I feel. Guilt ridden on days that I could have done something and didn't. Expecting someone, anyone, to be angry with me for having not lost weight, for having not cleaned the house, for having allowed the laundry and dishes to pile up, for having continued to smoke, or having laid around reading or writing or painting all day long. For just being unproductive. I don't know how to react when those that could be upset, aren't.
And so, this that I am living is a beautiful life. A new learning experience. What do you do with yourself when the thing you want most is suddenly readily available? I have always wanted a relationship with a man that would have me as his friend and partner, his equal, his love.. and here it is.. I never wanted to be defined by my relationship with such a man.. and I am encouraged to be as individual as my little heart desires. He loves my eccentricities. Very confusing. I don't have to fight him, contradict him, rebel. There is nothing to fight, contradict, or rebel against. It's Crazy.
And so here it is. My fresh start. My next lesson. I am grateful. |
posted by katmandusuekookachoo @ 11:54 AM  |
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